Painting by Chelin Sanjuan

Soren, my love,
it is not easy to endure being alone
without the understanding of others
as I undergo so many metamorphoses,
feeling exiled and comfortably anxious.

Yesterday I tried to be pleased with the liberties
I have without demanding those I don’t have:
I thought about the opportunity of being here
although I haven’t made friends but I learnt
with you to face who I am for I have never managed
successfully with everyone. You told me to turn
inward and discover the universe within me.
It was hard to believe but I tried to obey.

My existential uncertainties are a blessed restlessness:
They have guided me in times of complete alienation.
So many things are mere abstractions and money itself
has no value even in this world of disposable feelings.

I am aware that what I am feeling right now
is anxiety or maybe angst. My consciousness of finitiness
and transience is pure despair.

Soren, my love
I have been extracting force from the clouds,
trying to apprehend the absolute,
I die daily. We all die daily.

But you, Soren,
you never died
for your ideas leap for joy
within me.

Karla Bardanza

Copyright©Karla Bardanza 2011

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