SEDATED

Painting by Alissa Monks

It scares me shitless

what I feel when I feel nothing.

I look for things inside to justify

this void like someone who is

comfortable among the thorns.

Pain in me is permanent.

Lick my scars if you can

between those intervals

we never have together.

Desire consumes me

and it is all you remind me of

even when you hold your crucifix

in your holy hands.

Some nights I am sleepless,

thinking about what sin is.

Your conception of right and wrong

defeats me. I still don’t know whether

you are a saint or an actor.

I am not in a hurry to search for

answers. Questions have always

intrigued me more.

I imagine I can love.

I was raised to believe in love,

in things which don't mean much

when I dive in my dark.

I was sedated. My feelings are deadened

as they ought to be after my truth had

been unknotted.

(my truth.

What is your truth?)

These days I have stood before the mirror,

repeating I am a human being until I believe it

but I can’t obey myself. I am limited.

Maybe I am asleep in this poor adventure

of living, loving. Maybe I am not listening.

Karla Bardanza

Copyright©Karla Bardanza 2011