Humanizing me

She needs to tell me her newly-born truth
as if I could accept the unacceptable.
I pretend I am contemplating the clouds drawing
soft patterns in the sky behind my sunshades.
I dare say it is a tragedy for a woman my age
but there are those who would say I should be
more flexible, more adaptable, more modern,
more something which is not available on the shelves
or easily bought. I should blame my upbringing
for my unconscious crimes, accusing my mother
of telling me things which are not important anymore
or maybe it would be easier if I could just understand her.
But I can't and it is outrageous not to be in tune with
what is progressive, innovative, contemporary.
(can't remember more synonyms)

Words jump out of her mouth all of a sudden and take me hostage.
It is a dangerous moment of surrender to powerlessness.
It is suffocating me. Can't breathe, can't move,
can't say anything because nothing I could say
would correct her mistakes and it is strange to be weak,
to be old, to ignore this generation gap sleeping between us.
Maybe I should put the blame on the rapid cultural change.
Maybe I...I...I have to re-read again all those psychologists
and philosophers or dig some encyclopedia for an answer.
I am tired though.
I don't want to be different and it is impossible
to be different right now after a dictatorship, after communism,
after so many private earthquakes and arguments

With my hands covering my ears, I recoil, weeping,
feeling betrayed, feeling her eyes lost between
love and time.

And annihilated I am trying to learn how to be human
again.

Karla Bardanza

Copyright©Karla Bardanza 2013