Today I
wrote I missed you for the first time
since your
death in February
I reread all
those poems you wrote me.
It was not easy
to expose myself to myself
and declare
I can’t hide our past behind the metaphors
you wove effortlessly
out of my nothingness and dismay.
You tamed
the words like no one ever could
and insisted
on loving me as if I was blind enough
to believe a
poet could love without bending
down with
the weight of his own heart
and
despair.
Now I
realize you made me feel precious, weird and noble.
( your patriotism,
cigarettes and small tragedies devoured me,
diminishing
the intensity of my being and I hated what I was,
you were,
we could never be)
You
immortalized me gloriously,
giving me
everything I could never have.
It was too
heavy to be your symptom.
Couldn’t
bear your incomprehension.
(didn’t
know how to be your solace
or the
mother you dreamt for your own child)
But now I
can say shamelessly I loved you too.
( didn’t
know I loved you – not as you deserved
or needed)
We are
finally free, Tiger.
Life doesn’t
need to happen again:
your poems
still make my soul tremble
with awe
and beauty.
Karla
Bardanza
For Julio
Copyright©Karla Bardanza 2013
I do hear the ringing of the toll bell. So much sadness, but also so much love felt deeply.
ReplyDeleteWell written words from a beautiful heart will forever be humbling & healing! I believe this!
ReplyDeleteIt takes true fearless courage to allow the dark and light opposites the freedom to dance together like this , in a world full of phoney " loveliness and light only " , good on you, mate
ReplyDelete