Painting by Peter Van Oostzanem

I bear you upon back,
bringing me mud
to clad my heart
as I search for some bread
to feed my anxiety,
to soothe my anguish
like a mad woman in the attic.

You bite me and blow me,
looking at me with eyes
squeezed by doubts:
I need this vague blackness
in your blue eyes.
I need the moon forever hungry
or asleep on your lap.

You have two faces
and both hide my Venus and your Mars
naked and abandoned
when our words rise and fight
for what you can't give me today.
(I bow to you.Why do I bow to you?)

Close enough to see through you,
I say no.My hands touch
your most profound self,
kissing you without sentences to please you:
this is the beginning
but we are in the end.

-You are so afraid-

You are wrong in doing what
you are doing.
I am wrong in doing what
I am doing.
There is such a greatness
in our struggle.
I want more,
I want.
(It is saddening to want
what you can't give me)

I try to speak,
you try to speak
and all we have is inadequacy.
There is no triumph
between our words.

We are unreadable beings,
we are black stars
falling in the mud.

Love is expensive for you:
it costs much more
than you have inside.
You can't pay my price
and tell me what lives in me.
You show your best on a fragile silence
and never say what you are supposed to say,
and never love me as you are supposed to do
for it hurts to be entangled in my hair,
or to fit your feelings in one of my poems.

Use me: I am yours.
Love me: I am yours.

The feelings are mine,
the confused thoughts are all yours.

Here we go.
Nowhere we go.
Each one constructing silence again.
Pain floats.

It is odd to realise
you can walk or speak without me.
The longing for you words
shall part my lips
and keep me looking for my recognition
forever as if forever could exist
and resist my unhappiness.

I need a you in you
for I can't carry all the weight alone,
for I can't dream for me and you.

Karla Bardanza

(we shall break the silence some day)

Copyright©Karla Bardanza 2011

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